Mental Spring Cleaning

As part of getting healthy, I figure I need to do a bit of cobweb removing in my head and explore why I am the way I am and decide what I want to be.  This will obviously be a task that morphs over time, as I have yet to find the Alice in Wonderland magic pill.


Why am I fat?  You know, there hasn't been some huge emotional event in my life that caused me to suddenly turn to food.  I've always been addicted to food, oh, sweet food.  And sour food.  And spicy food.  And grilled food.  And stuffed food.  You get the point.  All my life I've struggled with depression off and on.  I've given up two children for adoption, myself having been adopted at birth.  I've struggled with horrendous bullying all through school, yet until I had my first child, weight wasn't a problem, albeit I was never one of the "skinny ones" in school.  I could blame my weight on all these various "tragedies" in life, but I think that's crap.


What else could be wrong?  Well, for one, as odd as this sounds, I never think of myself as fat, until I look in a mirror.  I've always had the mentality of a skinny person, who just happens to be residing in an out-of-shape body.  I think that's contributed to things getting out of hand.  I never worked out because I didn't feel I need it.  Sure, I couldn't climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath, I couldn't run with the kids at the park, couldn't do much of anything.  But still....some little voice in my head wouldn't let me believe that I was fat.  Isn't that crazy??  Usually it's always the other way around with people feeling they're fat, even if they aren't.  So I think this mental block has helped foster a world of laziness and subconscious denial.


Where do I want to go from here?  I want to have a realistic image of myself so I can better control my choices and also appreciate my progress.  I want to know that I have no limits, though reaching some of the goals may be limited in the present while I gain strength and get to where I need to be.  I want to know the sky's the limit and truly believe that.  I want to stop being envious of my "healthy" friends' adventures and be able to participate with them.  I want to know that if I can overcome this obstacle, I can overcome anything else.  I want to truly believe.


I know this is possible.  I just have to keep persevering.  And so far, so good.

Day One, Sort Of

Today is day one of my attempt to blog my journey of losing weight, appreciating life more, and celebrating all that I am. I realize there will be many times of tears, successes, humor, and tribulation. I shall try to encapsulate all of that as best I can.

As a way of background, I started my struggle with weight with my first child in 1998. I don't gain weight too easily, but I sure don't lose it either. I gained 65 pounds with my first; near 100 pounds with the twins; about 40 with my third. That's a lot. I did lose some each time, but obviously nothing close to what I should have. I felt jaded when I saw all these women around me losing all their pregnancy weight plus some, yet I didn't. Having seen all these women do that, my first pregnancy, I treated each and every buffet trip as though it were my last meal. By the sixth month of being pregnant with the twins, I'd gotten so big, I couldn't drive any longer. With my last one, I'd learned I was screwed in losing weight, so I did my best not to gain as much.

I'm currently at 232, down from 250 just under a year ago. I joined a gym, Snap Fitness, right by my house almost a month ago. I've been trying to go 4-6 times a week. So far so good. I've overhauled my diet, partially from a losing-weight standpoint, but also because I happen to be majorly broke right now, thus limiting my trips to Chipotle and other not-so-healthful places. "But the burrito has lettuce in it, doesn't that qualify for healthy??!!"

So here's to starting the journey and learning to love myself and enjoy being fit, not seeing the elliptical machine as capital punishment, nor seeing the treadmill as something only hamsters should use.