Mental Spring Cleaning

As part of getting healthy, I figure I need to do a bit of cobweb removing in my head and explore why I am the way I am and decide what I want to be.  This will obviously be a task that morphs over time, as I have yet to find the Alice in Wonderland magic pill.


Why am I fat?  You know, there hasn't been some huge emotional event in my life that caused me to suddenly turn to food.  I've always been addicted to food, oh, sweet food.  And sour food.  And spicy food.  And grilled food.  And stuffed food.  You get the point.  All my life I've struggled with depression off and on.  I've given up two children for adoption, myself having been adopted at birth.  I've struggled with horrendous bullying all through school, yet until I had my first child, weight wasn't a problem, albeit I was never one of the "skinny ones" in school.  I could blame my weight on all these various "tragedies" in life, but I think that's crap.


What else could be wrong?  Well, for one, as odd as this sounds, I never think of myself as fat, until I look in a mirror.  I've always had the mentality of a skinny person, who just happens to be residing in an out-of-shape body.  I think that's contributed to things getting out of hand.  I never worked out because I didn't feel I need it.  Sure, I couldn't climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath, I couldn't run with the kids at the park, couldn't do much of anything.  But still....some little voice in my head wouldn't let me believe that I was fat.  Isn't that crazy??  Usually it's always the other way around with people feeling they're fat, even if they aren't.  So I think this mental block has helped foster a world of laziness and subconscious denial.


Where do I want to go from here?  I want to have a realistic image of myself so I can better control my choices and also appreciate my progress.  I want to know that I have no limits, though reaching some of the goals may be limited in the present while I gain strength and get to where I need to be.  I want to know the sky's the limit and truly believe that.  I want to stop being envious of my "healthy" friends' adventures and be able to participate with them.  I want to know that if I can overcome this obstacle, I can overcome anything else.  I want to truly believe.


I know this is possible.  I just have to keep persevering.  And so far, so good.